I’m leaving to go home in two days. Chris and Ben are coming to San Francisco, too. On Sunday, we’re planning to take a day trip to the Napa Valley area, and my parents are not a huge fan of this. The first reason is because my mom disapproves of over drinking (to my mother, “over drinking” really means having anything more than half a glass of wine; even that is a lot to her). The second is because of the 6.0 earthquake that the area experienced just three days ago, and my dad is concerned that a lot of the roads will be blocked off and that a lot of the wineries will be closed for repair. My parents just like to worry.

It’s sad to think about going back to Napa. The last time I was there was in March 2013, when Ed was still alive, and we went with our parents for a very uneventful day trip to the area and tasted no wine. We had lunch at a decent spot in downtown Napa, wandered around aimlessly while my dad argumentatively told my mom he didn’t want to taste any wine and certainly did not want to pay to taste. My dad was asked to plan the day, and as usual, he planned nothing, which made my mom extremely angry. And because she can rarely allow herself to take her anger out on him, instead, she took it out on us and yelled at us multiple times that day. Ed never liked wine, and he couldn’t do any tastings anyway because of his medication. All in all, it was a wasted, miserable trip that made all of us angry. I just felt bad for Ed at the time because he was trying to be positive that day despite my mom screaming at both of us.

This time I will be going with Chris and Ben, and it will very likely be a much better time. But I get upset at the idea of knowing that the last time I was there was with Ed, and we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge to get there. We will have to drive over that bridge to get to Napa this time — the same place where he took his life, and a barrier is now being constructed. It is scary and almost depressing how quickly time passes, and how then, he seemed like he could have had hope and have been fine, and now, he no longer exists in this world, and I will be alone in that house with my parents.