Ever since I got pregnant with Kaia, I’ve thought a lot about a lot of my privileges as a mother, but especially in regard to time. Since I work remotely and have a flexible job, on average, I have far more time than the average parent to really engage with and spend time with my child. I notice her little changes every single day, what new words or phases she is speaking, the movements she is progressively learning with how much more agile she becomes and grows into her body. In real time, I marvel over her development and growth. I admire how she’s able to see the world through such an innocent lens. She can see the beauty in things and the magic in everyday life. I wonder a lot about what I love about motherhood/parenthood the most, and while this is quite a large category, I truly believe that what I enjoy the most is watching her discover new things and react to them with such a young joy.

I love it when she sees the trains coming in and out of the stations, and when they come and go, she waves hello and goodbye to them, sometimes yelling “Hi!” and “Bye Bye!” loudly, eliciting smiles and compliments from surrounding strangers. Sometimes when I am holding her hand and she wants to wave to the incoming/outgoing train, she yells at me and says, “Mama! Stop holding my hand! I have to wave bye bye to the train!”

I love when she enjoys a new piece of clothing, usually a dress or skirt or swimsuit. I love when she discovers that she can twirl in a long-skirted dress or when there is a food she likes on her swimsuit, like ice cream or a popsicle. I admire her admiring herself while twirling and watching herself in the mirror.

And sometimes, even when it’s frustrating, I even like her cheeky stubbornness when it comes out because it’s adorable (well, it is for now…). As of late, when we insist she has to do something she doesn’t really want to do, she will express exasperation and say, “Okay, fine!” – with major emphasis on the “fine!”

It’s even cute when she insists she gets the last “big” bite of something delicious, whether it’s an ice cream cup we’re sharing or a luxurious cherry rhubarb muffin (as we recently enjoyed from ACQ Bakery in Carroll Gardens). Kaia will exclaim in protest, “But I want the last big bite! You have to share! SHARING IS CARING!”

I think about when my mom was a young parent of one… and then two. I think about how she was always so pressed for time and had pretty much zero time to herself to rest and recharge. She didn’t have much quality time one-on-one with either of her kids. My mom was constantly multi-tasking and always worrying about what was coming next. And I feel sad sometimes when I think she probably wasn’t able to really enjoy and soak in these little moments. And then out of nowhere, both her kids grew up. Our childhoods wrapped up and came to an end. One of them died tragically. The other moved all the way across the country and sees her only about once a year now.

Being present in your kid’s life is a huge thing regardless of whether they are three days old, three years old, thirteen years old, or thirty years old. Every person on earth wants to feel loved, appreciated, listened to and understood, and like they matter. While I feel sad that my mom wasn’t able to be fully present in Ed’s or my life, I feel very grateful and privileged that I have the ability to be present in Kaia’s life and enjoy watching her grow, moment by moment.