Living in a multi-family, multi-generational household certainly has its pros and cons. The pros are that even if you have zero or only one sibling, if there are other cousins in the house, it will feel like you have multiple siblings; you have more of a “village” when it comes to child-rearing, getting chores/errands done; you, by default, will have larger family celebrations and gatherings because no one has the excuse of cost/time for travel to see each other. Just based on proximity, you will be close to your aunts/uncles/grandparents without even trying. You don’t have to make an effort to see anyone if they’re already there living with or just steps away from you.
As for the cons? This will vary by family, but I think the annoying things that can happen include: jealousy amongst in-laws, unequal treatment of in-laws to their daughters/sons-in-law, constant comparison of the youngest generation (who has more As, gets into what schools, etc.), and endless gossip.
One of the biggest pros of being raised this way, with my dad’s older brother, his wife (my mumu), and their three sons was that I was very close to my aunt growing up. I also saw my three cousins like another set of siblings; two of them doted on me quite a lot. Even though she is not my aunt by blood, my mumu definitely treated me as such. She always wanted a daughter, never had one, so I got showered with a lot of the love she wanted to shower on a little girl of her own. We did lots of baking and cooking together growing up. She always indulged me with endless toys, clothes and gifts, some of which she even made by hand.
She eventually ran away to escape her abusive husband, my uncle, and she left for about 2.5 years. She moved to Boston to be with her mother, who ended up passing away at the end of her stay there. As much as I loved her when I was young, I didn’t quite realize how incompatible we were until she came back to San Francisco. Shortly after she moved back, my pet parakeet Willie was dying. We found out he had developed a tumor from all the lead he had ingested that was stuck in his stomach. It likely came from the terrible lamps he used to play near and lick in the house (what does that say for what Ed and I were exposed to…?). I cried endlessly because I was so devastated that my pet of seven-plus years was going to die. And within earshot of me, she repeatedly told my parents, “Just buy her another bird.” I felt so hurt and misunderstood; how could she just think another pet parakeet could replace my Willie? That’s like saying that if one of her sons died, she should just have another child or adopt, and all her woes would be gone!
Years later, in 2013, Ed died from suicide. He jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. He was in so much pain that he thought if he ended his life, he could also end his pain. My aunt mourned with us. But she also told my mom multiple times that Ed was selfish for turning to suicide because he didn’t realize how much pain he would cause others by ending his life. I remember feeling infuriated when my mom told me this because I realized that as sad as it was, my aunt just lacked depth to truly understand pain. How could Ed care about others’ suffering when he was suffering so much himself? You can’t see the light when you are trapped in the darkness. How could she not understand something so basic, especially knowing Ed and knowing he was such a selfless person who always put others ahead of himself? Was it because she converted to Jehovah’s Witnesses that she became so shallow, or was she just always like this, and as a young child, I just wasn’t able to see it?
Another time, a few years after that, I had a difficult visit home. My aunt knew it wasn’t good. My mom had made several passive aggressive remarks to my aunt in my presence, and so I knew they were not getting along well at the time. When I went upstairs to see her, she sat on the couch and opened her arms to me, signaling that I should come over so she could hold me in her arms. I went over to her, and without even realizing it, I burst into tears. She didn’t even have to ask why I was crying. She simply rubbed my back and kissed my forehead while holding me close.
“I always know when your mom is upset with me,” Mumu murmured into my ear. “I’ve known her even longer than you. She’s not an easy person to get along with, but she’s had a hard life. I know it’s hard for you. You’re a good girl. You treat your parents well. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
So while sometimes I think my aunt has been very shallow, other times, I wonder if it’s all just a facade. Maybe she just doesn’t want to deal with big feelings or huge life problems and tries to let them all go. Because if you pretend that everything is okay or happy in your life, maybe everything actually will be okay and happy?