I can’t believe it’s already December. Most of this year feels as though it just went by so quickly that when I look back on it, it’s one big blur. Maybe that’s a sign that I did too much this year, or maybe it’s just a sign that I am exhausted by the many events that happened, particularly the more painful ones.

Looking forward has been hard in a lot of ways because I think of what the future will be like without Ed. I’ve thought a lot about potential future events, such as moving to another city, getting another job, getting engaged, married, pregnant, and giving birth, and it feels empty whenever I think of him not being there. He’s been an integral part of my life forever, and now it’s like that “forever” has been taken away from me. The truth is that I know that no one else in this world will ever be happy or proud of me the way he was. But I hope he is still proud… somewhere up there.