Dear Ed,

Can you believe it — somehow, I’ve managed to get through 11 years without you earth side. Eleven years ago, I had no idea what life would be like today, without you, but alas, here we are.

Some things are still the same and have not changed: our parents are still miserable and still not treating their only living child very well. They have zero relationship with their one grandchild, your niece. But they seem to think this is all okay, and that they must be doing exemplary work!

Kaia is here, though. Even during her “terrible twos” tantrums and whining, I still look at her and see her as my life’s greatest gift and blessing. She makes me unbelievably happy and gives me hope for the future. She is adorable, smart, cheeky, and very opinionated. I still can’t believe that at age 2.5, she has opinions on what she wears! If you were here, you’d likely spoil her rotten with all her favorite dresses. She far prefers dresses to shorts and t-shirts this summer. She especially loves the big twirly skirts and tutus.

I told you, but I skipped going home last year because I didn’t want to deal with our parents’ drama and constant anger and resentment. This year, I am going back to San Francisco for a work offsite and extended it to the two surrounding weekends. I still haven’t spoken with our parents about the visit. I’ve only texted them because I really cannot stomach listening to our mom speak. I already know she’s going to be rude and nasty when I eventually have to call. Part of me is just wondering what it would be like if I went home for nine days and just didn’t have any contact with them at all. It might actually be glorious, but I’d eventually feel guilt and cave in. Our mom accused me of not calling her as often (this was back in February) because she said she “knew” the reason: it’s because she didn’t send money to Kaia. It was unbelievable — completely false, and just filled with venom. She doesn’t understand how poisonous her brain is. And since then, I have refused to call her. She is never going to understand that she cannot just say and do awful things to me and expect zero consequences. I first texted our dad to let him know we were coming back. He simply responded, “Aren’t you supposed to notify mom?” Typical, emotionally immature, idiotic response. What else did we expect, anyway?

Luckily, as I reflect back on the last eleven years, I realize that I have grown emotionally in terms of how I deal with our parents: I am better able to compartmentalize my anger against them. I don’t let it seep into all my thoughts throughout the day and before I go to bed the way I used to. Isn’t that amazing – I have grown! So when I don’t have to or want to think about them, I just don’t, and I feel completely fine, of sound mind, and healthy. But when I do think of them, I just wish they didn’t exist, as sad as that is to say. They have caused so much anger, sadness, and disappointment in our lives, not to mention damage, that I’ve had to spend most of my life trying to get back on course and fixing it all.

And then, there’s you: they try to go on with their lives as though you never existed. And that angers me. Granted, they treated you horribly when you were here, so it’s not like they would venerate you after death, but come on — deal with the fact that you had two kids, and one of them died by suicide. They are emotionally and psychologically incapable of accepting that they make mistakes and taking responsibility for them.

So while we are connected by family and blood, you and I are also connected by our wounds. As the great Japanese writer Haruki Murakami once wrote: “One heart is not connected to another through harmony alone. They are, instead, linked deeply through their wounds. Pain linked to pain, fragility to fragility. There is no silence without a cry of grief, no forgiveness without bloodshed, no acceptance without a passage through acute loss. That is what lies at the root of true harmony.” But Kaia Pookie gives me hope for the future… not for them, but for the future. When I look at her face, especially her nose, I see you. And I know I have to do right by you and try to be the best mother I can be to your niece. I at least owe you that much.

I miss you. I hope you are doing well wherever you are up there. I thought about you when I watched the Snoopy show on the plane ride back from Buenos Aires. In my mind, you and Snoopy/Peanuts/Charlie Brown are forever interconnected. Can you believe I am in my 39th year of life? Chris very nicely reminded me a couple times this past week that I am “middle aged.” It’s strange, though. When I thought about aging when I was a teen, I never thought that I’d be aging without you. You’re supposed to be turning 45 this year. But that will never happen. I am still aging, though. These stupid sun spots on my face keep reminding me of my aging process. I do not like them and am considering getting them removed. But that is a story for another day for you. I thought a lot about death when we were doing our will and estate planning earlier this year. And I thought a lot about what I hope Kaia will remember about me once I’m gone. I try hard to be good to her and to be a good human so that I can be a good role model to her. Anyway, as far as I am concerned, while I may be in my late 30s, I feel quite spritely and know that my health is that of someone much younger. And I suppose in my head, I’ll always feel a bit like a child — not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, or maybe a little of A and B.

See you on the other side… and I do hope that the other side is quite far from today. I need to see Kaia Pookie grow up and become her own person. Wait for me patiently, will you?

With all my love,

Yvonne