In the couple of nights leading up to the egg retrieval day, I kept waking up multiple times in the middle of the night. It was likely my subconscious expressing anxiety over the big event that it knew would eventually happen. The last time I had this happen to me, when I would wake up without much explanation or needing to pee, was nearly eight years ago now, when Ed passed away unexpectedly. That continued for about a week or two after I knew he was gone.

The night before our wedding in March 2016, I dreamt of him. Today, I cannot remember what I dreamt, but I do remember seeing him in my dreams. It was as though he wanted to be there with me in my most significant life moments. I woke up feeling miserable that morning and was crying.

This past Friday night, the night before egg retrieval, I saw Ed again. He hasn’t appeared in my dreams in quite a while. He came to my apartment, ready to take me to my egg retrieval. We walked east towards the clinic early Saturday morning, and he dropped me off in front of the office building where the clinic is. I don’t remember any real conversation or words exchanged. All I remember is that he looked at me, smiled, and gave me a big hug before I walked in.

When I woke up yesterday morning from this dream, I thought of this as a sign. Maybe this dream is a sign that he knows this is happening, and he’s been looking down at me this whole time, sending his hopes and prayers that this all works out for us. Maybe his appearance is a sign that all of this anxiety and frustration and anger and sadness and turmoil will actually have a happy ending. Maybe he’s trying to give me the head’s up that we will finally experience some success.

I can only hope that will be the case.