Last night, I met with a friend who has been troubled recently. In some ways, the way he talks, his tone, and his attitude toward life remind me of my brother in his last weeks of life. I spent about an hour with him and he left, but as I made my way home, all I could do was think about how this was like deja vu all over again, and all I could feel was powerless, powerless in the same way I felt with my Ed.

And to remind me of how powerless and hopeless I felt, I saw Ed in glimpses in my dreams last night. It was just flashes, but I could see his despair, his eyes as though they were just dark holes staring into a world of nothing. I woke up this morning feeling awful. You never really get over knowing that you failed at saving your brother’s life. There are times when people lighten the mood in dire situations and say, “Well, it’s not like it’s a matter of life versus death.” Well, that can’t be applied to this situation.