Today was fairly uneventful, and the usual people I chat with at work were not available, so I decided to message one of my long-time friends from middle school. We have been friends since I was in eighth grade and she was in seventh. She’s one of the small handful of people I actually still keep in touch with from San Francisco. The more I think about it, though, the more I think we don’t have that much in common other than the fact that we are both Asian American women who grew up in San Francisco with overbearing mothers and moved to the Northeast for college. I’m very expressive; she is one of the hardest to read people I know. I’m more or less an open book, which is why this blog is public; it’s like pulling teeth to get information from her about her life. I am very affectionate; she is like a brick. I like to socialize; she hates it unless she already knows and likes the people there. We’ve remained friends, though. I thought about it the other day, and I really think it’s because I value her honesty… when she is willing to share it.

But sometimes, it’s exhausting, especially when things are always answered in the negative.

Me: Did you enjoy the trip?

Friend: It was better than I expected.

Me: How’s the first day of work going?

Friend: I don’t hate it.

Me: How’s your project going?

Friend: Not awful

Me: Are you going to say after my wedding when people ask you how it was, “Well, it wasn’t awful.”

Friend: Not to your face.

What I really wonder in these exchanges that I know will never be answered is — what really makes this friend happy, or excited, or actually like she has feelings and real emotions? Where did all those feelings and emotions go, or did she really ever have them? Do I need to buy this friend the same book I bought my other friend’s daughter, The Book of Feelings, to get her to engage with me like a real human being with actual emotions? What does she get out of human interactions with people who she doesn’t “hate” or doesn’t find “awful” or finds tolerable? If I died tomorrow, would she actually feel anything or even cry?

I told my colleague this the other day, but I will write it here anyway: I really do not understand people.