I had a really good sleep last night. It was probably the best weeknight sleep I’ve had since I’ve come back to New York from San Francisco last month. And oddly, I dreamt about being in a small conference room with my therapist…. and Ed. Ed was sitting at the table with us.

I don’t remember hearing any of the words coming out of our mouths during our discussion, but I remember seeing all of us very animated and speaking and smiling and laughing. Ed was speaking openly with my therapist, and it was like a real, truthful conversation about our family and our intertwined lives. Ed was smiling a lot.

Usually, when I dream of Ed, I tend to wake up and not want to get out of bed. I want to stay in bed and try to fall back asleep in hopes that he will come back so I can see him again. This morning, I didn’t. I woke up, lingered for ten minutes, and hauled myself out of bed to go to the gym.

It hurts to see him in my dreams and know I will never see him again in this life on earth. But as much as I want to linger and hope that I can see him, what I really need to do is to stop holding onto trying to see him in my dreams, and instead to live my life to the best of my ability to make him proud.