Today, I went to see my therapist for the third time after a long period of not seeing her at all due to travel, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. We talked about the trips I’ve taken and spoke in detail about my feelings around Christmas time with Chris’s family. We also discussed why the idea of marriage does not seem to excite me the way it used to.

We came to the conclusion that in the same way that being around Chris’s happy, functional family is a reminder of how dysfunctional and miserable my own family is, perhaps the idea of planning my future wedding would also be a reminder of how happy his family would be for me, whereas my extended family probably wouldn’t care much and would be too cheap to go to whatever location we decided on. It’s kind of twisted since I should be happy that this family I am being welcomed into is so loving and accepting of me, but I can’t just be “normal” and just accept how easy this all is so quickly, right? Sometimes when you might want something, when you get it, you may not have your arms as wide open as you originally thought. But it takes another level of self-understanding to accept it. It will take some time, but I think I deserve to be happy.