After another day of running around (but to three sites, not eight as we did yesterday) for Open House New York, we came home so that I could start preparing dinner – homemade pad thai. I’ve been wanting to make this for a while, but never got around to going to the Thai grocery stores in Chinatown that sell the specific ingredients I needed. I finally got everything I needed last week, and today, dinner was a success.

While cooking tonight, I thought about one of Ed’s birthdays when Ed and I spent the whole day together to celebrate. I can’t remember which one it was – it may have been his 27th or 28th birthday when I was still in college (this is when I get mad at myself for not taking more photos). We walked around Golden Gate Park, spent a few hours at the DeYoung Museum, which had been recently renovated, and I took him to lunch at Marnee Thai, one of his (and my cousins’) favorite Thai restaurants in the Inner Sunset right outside of the park. Ed was never a museum person, so it was great to take him through and actually see him exploring and appreciating what he wasn’t used to. I got him a cake from Schubert’s as usual, and overall, he seemed to be really happy that day.

It feels sad and lonely sometimes to think about the happier times when we were together and to know that we will never have future moments together again. It’s even worse to think that in those moments, I never would have guessed he would have been suicidal again. I see Ed and think about him when I eat and cook his favorite foods all the time. Sometimes, it’s a happy feeling, but most of the time, it feels miserable. I guess this is what it feels like to have once had a sibling and then suddenly one day, no longer have one. Even pad thai reminds me of him.