Last night, Ed came back to me in my dreams. It was the day he was going to the Golden Gate Bridge to end his life, and in my gut, I knew he had chosen that day. So I called him that morning, and he answered the phone. I pleaded with him to not go. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t go,” he said firmly. “Because I love you,” I said to him, as I start to cry. He responded, “Tell me what that means.” And the dream ends. I wake up feeling miserable and not wanting to get out of bed.

In the dream before that, I am speaking with a woman who is calmly explaining to me that I will never see my brother again even after I leave this world. “Why not?” I asked. “I’m going to see him in heaven after I die.” She looks at me and responds, “No, you will never see him again because he was a Christian, and you are not. You won’t be seeing him in heaven.” I am so upset at hearing this news. I will never see my brother again, even after I am dead. How is that possible…?

I hope Ed still comes to me in my dreams. I want to see him as much as possible, especially since I’ve been asking him to come, and he’s been as difficult as always and has been refusing until now. I want to find peace in knowing that he is really at peace… because for some reason, a nagging feeling in the back of my head keeps thinking he’s not fully at peace quite yet. Is there something else I need to do for him?

I don’t care what that woman said. I’m definitely going to see my brother again. We are going to get bubble tea together, eat San Tung dried fried chicken and Kitaro Mexican rolls, and watch Beverly Hills 90210 and Three’s Company reruns the way we used to. One day, we will be together again. I am sure of it.